Her presence fills the world
She fills the world with her presence
She fills my sky in with void;
It hangs always over me.
The Void, IN me.
A vacuum where the small victory
Of her friendship was,
That I'm no longer pretending
I did not fantasize could bloom into every
Kind of love.
The Void;
The absence of everything I forced her to
Force me to take away from Self,
A mirror of what I should become when
The dust settles.
The dust
Gusting at the doors
Of this exhibit hall where she
Sometimes plies a trade.
I can feel by a gnawing dread or lack of,
If she is inside or else some far away city,
An intuitive anxiety rises over the possibility of
Facing the deep shame that I will project
Onto her achingly emptying oceanic eyes,
-Her gaze that picked up every detail I tried
Smuggling before her until I crumbled and felt
Compelled to throw every last insatiable need at her feet
And finally
Into her face,
Forcing her to rip up the last thin line of patience that I crossed.
Today I'll throw my tickets down
And push my way inside
To search from the backs of every booth and shadow
To determine if I can set this weight down
Or else, glimpsing her-
Beeline for the bathroom stalls to vomit,
And wait for the world to end.
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